In These Stilettos

To my baby boy….

I realised something on this long weekend. We have been so very unfair to you.

You are still a baby, yet we treat you like you’re a big boy. You still need me so much but we just “expect you” to be the same or handle things the same way as your big brother does.

The age gap between you and your big brother is so small that you have grown up too quickly! You were crawling before 6 months, you said your first words at 10 months and were walking before your 1^st birthday! All you wanted was to keep up with your big brother and do all the things he was doing, and you have never let anything stop you or get in your way. Because of that however, we have also treated you largely the same way, forgetting that you need to find your own path, and have your own experiences.

I was so busy running around after your brother when you were a baby and I didn’t really stop to savour your milestones and moments, I never really had quality time with you, teaching you colours and reading you stories like I did before. Have I forced you to grow up too quickly?

Looking back at this past weekend, all you needed and wanted was me. While the “big boys” were fishing, you sat next to me and played with your cars in the sand, we swam together, we went exploring together. Sitting next to me at mealtimes wasn’t enough, you had to sit on my lap. I held you as you fell asleep and it was then I realised, you just needed extra love.

You are only 3 years old, but we expect you to act like a 5-year-old and for that I’m sorry my baby. I’m sorry for all the times I haven’t let you vent your frustrations or all the times I have told you to be a big boy. You don’t have to be my love. I am here for you always, and from now on, you can take as long as you need.

I watch in amazement at your excitement of becoming a big brother. All you have ever wanted since before you even turned 2 was a “baby”, and this is “your baby” as you say. At 3 years old you are telling us how “you wont share any of your toys with baby as they are too dangerous and she could choke, but you will give her all of your “soft toys””. My baby boy, you are too sweet for words. In amongst all your feisty, stubborn temperaments is just a little boy with the sweetest heart filled with love (and a love for sweet things).

The guilt washes over me, have I shown you enough love or given you enough time. Do you know how incredibly proud of you I am? From day one, you have impressed me beyond measure. You were one of the happiest babies I have ever met. I had it easy with you. You just rolled into our routine (apart from always crying in the car). Your cheeky smile is contagious and never fails to cheer me up. Your ability to negotiate for a 3-year-old is well beyond your years and the absolute favourite part in my day is when you insist I hold you as you fall asleep. The only time in your full 9 hour day that you actually stop and rest and let me hold you.

So, this one is for you my sweet, cheeky boy. We love you more than you will ever know, so please, take your time in growing up. I will never put my expectations unfairly onto you again. While I may not have a perfectly filled out baby book for you as I did with your brother, you amaze me. Every step of the way!