Postpartum depression is a term that’s commonly heard, new mums are taught to be on the lookout for postpartum depression in themselves, but what about fathers? The journey into fatherhood doesn’t always come easily to men. Recent studies out of Europe show that up to 20% of all fathers experience some form of post natal depression. The reality is that postnatal depression in fathers is real.
What exactly have they got to be depressed about? They don’t go through pregnancy or the process of childbirth. Their hormones don’t suddenly open up and crash around them. They don’t have another being physically draining energy out of them. What affects them?
Dads go through similar emotional and mental rollercoasters as a mother does. Their world has been shifted upside down and they often struggle with a connection to the new baby. The focus of attention is typically on the newborn baby and mum, and as a man, you may feel that your needs are overlooked, as a father, you may not be sure of what exactly your role is, or how you fit in. Parenthood also brings new responsibility, for men an added “pressure” to “provide” for his family. Feelings of anxiety, exhaustion and stress.
Typically men expect that “paternal pride” to kick in immediately, but for some this doesn’t happen. If a mother breastfeeds her child it can be seen as an instant connection, she is providing and nurturing her child, fathers may feel left out. Mother and baby are seen as one and fathers are often on the side-lines. I know when my boys were younger and I was feeding them, I know my husband often felt “left out”, he felt he couldn’t “provide” for them and they didn’t “need” him. If they cried at night, he could not soothe them.
Everyone asks, “How is mum doing”, what about dad?
There is also strong correlation to show that is a mother is affected by post partum depression, typically the father is more prone to it as well. Some men do have tell-tale signs of depression, such as sadness, while others may display more aggression, agitation or even become detached. A lot of men start to work longer hours, at work they still feel powerful and needed.
If you feel you/ your partner may be experiencing some form of depression after baby, here are a few tips to include him more:
Try to get dad involved in nappy changing/ bath time more. Bath time could be their special bonding time.
If you are breastfeeding, after feeding hand baba over to dad for the burping and to finally put baby down to sleep. There was a period in time when my firstborn would only fall asleep in daddy’s arms hearing the Qu’ran being recited in his ear.
Express a bottle every now and again for daddy to feed.
If baby wakes at night try to get dad involved, even if it’s just passing the baby over to you (though this is easier said then done 🙂 ).
Encourage dad to exercise, release all that good energy!
If you feel the shift in your partner’s personality is big enough, suggest they speak to a 3rd party/ counsellor to seek treatment.
Postpartum depression is becoming more talked about and is not an uncommon thing anymore. Parenting is a life-changing experience; one that no-one is really prepared for. Our predictable, familiar comfort zone is thrown out of the window and our whole world spins. Try to keep the communication lines open, in most cases, you are there to support each other and life each other up. From a lot of the research done, postpartum depression in dad’s can clear after 4-6 months, once baby starts to become more alert or interactive and starts to recognise faces. As a mother, support your partner and try to encourage him as much as possible. Shower him in praise at his parenting skills and let him know that you couldn’t do it without him. Let him feel needed.
Wow! Such an important aspect of becoming a parent that is too easily over looked… Having suffered from Pnd myself, I’d never given much thought to how it may have affected my husband – this really is an eye opening article. Thank you!
Thank you Maryam, I’m so glad I could give back a little. Though my husband didn’t suffer from it, I certainly picked up on certain area’s with him and I know how hard it was
I love the practical suggestions you mentioned. My husband didn’t do through this, and I think having him be a part of everything – bath time, nappy changes, handing her over to him to burp her after I breastfed – definitely contributed to things going smoothly, and him never feeling left out. It’s nice that you’ve shared this, because as you said most of us tend to think it’s something only women may experience.
Love that you did so much to include him, its so important. Ive seen this affecting a few people I know, while they may not have suffered as badly as some, it definitely had an impact!
Such a great perspective on the other side of the coin in terms of adjusting to the new family dynamic!
Thank you for reading !! We sometimes need to think about things with a different perspective x
This is so insightful, Rebecca. You know, the last boss I worked for told me that he only really started feeling a true connection to his first child when she started uttering words. I think this is must be a very difficult thing for a father to admit and if there are other dads who feel this way they may not be able to express it. It must be very lonely for them. Makes me feel sad when I think about the fact that they may not be sharing that with their partner and mother of their baby.
Absolutely it can be a very very lonely thing to go through for men. Whilst my partner never “suffered” there was definitely a shift as my priorities shifted as well. I think daddy baby groups on the weekend or something should become a thing to help with the connecting
Interesting post. When I had a miscarriage, I sort of overlooked my husband’s emotions. I went to therapy, he didn’t. Years later he opened up to me.
I am so sorry to hear about it Melissa. That must be especially traumatic for a couple to go through, I am glad he opened up in the end. We do tend to overlook their emotions, communication is just so important
Going through ppa right now. Feel very alone. I don’t like the fact that I’m having anxiety attacks in my own home. PPD/ppa is such a taboo in South Africa and this is sad. I’m going through it badly and it could be great if I can find someone who has been through what I’m going through
Hi Matsebe, I am always happy to chat. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out. Thats the first step. Talking through it daily, you are absolutely not alone.